These are the people in your neighborhood…

They are the people that you meet, while you’re sitting at your newsstand. It’s not quite the Sesame Street classic but I thought it time to explore in more depth the characters that besiege the mean streets of Norwich. Norwich is a bit like Sesame Street, you’ve got a fair amount of normal humans walking around, then a seemingly equal amount of Muppets, and they are all friendly and harmless even grumpy ol’ Oscar (or the 21 bus driver.) Yeah I’m like Mr. Hooper before he died, or David before whatever happened to David, just sitting in my store watching the street, not really doing anything. Anyways on to the gist, last Wednesday was like watching my newspaper life flash before my eyes all my favourite characters (and some new ones) paraded past the stand it was amazing. Here are the people in my neighbourhood:

The Oldies but the Goodies:

 Butch, Man/Woman who doesn’t seem to have a job but to say inane things to me.
BUTCH: Not so cold today.
ME: Yeah, but that wind has got a chill in it
BUTCH: Yeah that’s because it’s got that wind chill.

 Nervous Sweet Guy, conversation has actually reached a point to where we talked about reading Moby Dick – still don’t know his name.

 Stewart, this week with a moving rendition of Via Las Vegas.

 Bill, guy on bike who sneaks up behind me – realize he actually has one of those electric bikes – maybe that’s why I can’t hear him approaching.

 Andrew, has to have his North Norfolk News.

 Dominic, his Mum enjoyed the Mother’s day card, which after our earlier discussion I hope was actually given on the right day.

 Mr. Shoes, I’m afraid he wasn’t actually here this week he was on vacation so I’m expecting a tanned Mr. Shoes.

The All Too Regulars:

 Fat Beagle, I actually knew of this guy and his obese dog before working but it’s just so funny to see such a short fat dog.

 Elf Girl and Side Kick, for some reason this girl sees it fit to wear prosthetic ears everyday. She works for One Step Beyond and walks around with their placard on. Now it’s not like she is selling fantasy computer games but selling hard drives, no need for the ears. I’ve seen her with out the placard but always the ears and this weasley guy following her about. Ahh dorks in love its so co-dependant.

 Woman Without a Face’s Daughter, some of you might remember there was a woman in my old block of flats who seemed to lack a face, well now there is a girl who seems to be a youthful version.

 Fat Man on Bike and Medieval Man, they both work at Debenham’s and I can set my clock to their leaving, the big bloke is funny for obvious reasons of disappearing bike seats, his friend however is funny because his hair cut seems to be something of an aging page boy and I half expect him to have a lute and skipping about singing songs with words with lots of e’s in them.

 Miss-information, sees a news story, doesn’t buy a paper, just feels she has to yell me her version of the story, which completely contradicts the paper.

 ?, On his hat is that ?, he’s always in black, and his face looks like it has melted.

 The Most Miserable Woman in the World, you thought Butch was bad, its nothing compared to this lady. If you take Eeyore and Oscar the Grouch and blend them into a smoking, fat, graying, middle aged woman, in a red fleece it is this woman. It is as if she is the only person to ever suffer from arthritis (her favorite topic of conversation) and suffer she does. Oh the woes she endures walking to Tesco to by some generic spam and cigarettes, the world is against her, and then she must walk all the way to the bus – God NO! But she doesn’t walk all the way to the bus, no, she stops to sit next to me, and smoke, because sitting next to me she feels safe that no one will steal her purse – think about that one for a second – there is logic there somewhere but I can’t find it. A. Its Norwich, not known for its purse snatchings, B. Is it my big yellow coat? My being stuck behind a stand? My twelve layers of clothes that inhibits my movement and the thief? I don’t know. I could go on, but I want to get to the best bit. Now for the most part I can keep a straight face and be as serious with these people as I need to be though I’m laughing on the inside, but this, I lost it a little bit.

A French Girl approach MMWW and instead of asking me directions she asked MMWW. Firstly how did I know she was French? Was it her European look and style? Was it the accent? The map of Norwich? The French to English phrase book in her hand? Well with my Homesian like deducement I picked up on this. Lord only knows what MMWW was thinking, it went something like this:

FRENCH: “Where please is Saint Stephen’s street?” (point to map)
MMWW: “What?! Lady you’re on it!* Just keep walking that way. God! Some people. You get some weird ones. Like it is like people looking for the Mc Donald’s, its just right up the hill.”
ME: (Look away – don’t laugh, don’t laugh.)

MMWW is completely oblivious to the fact that some people – let’s face it, most people – are not from Norwich and might just not know their way around. Like say to a Mc. Donald’s that is completely obscured from view. *We’re not on Saint Stephen’s Street.

New To Me:

 Human Costume, this woman seemed so uncomfortable in her own skin it was as if she was wearing a bad human costume complete with scratches all over her face where she was trying to get the human suit on. Best thing about this interaction was the fact that while walking away from the massive great Norman castle that dominates the view on top of a huge mote; she asks me where the castle is. It’s behind you! It is one thing to be lost; it’s another thing to miss colossal medieval strongholds that takes up the whole of the skyline and that she must have walked past to reach me.

 6 o’clock ITV News, this guy was on it, and he felt he had to let me know.

 Nice Lady, just walking by and feels the need to say “All right my love have a very nice day today.” Okay I will thank you, nice lady.

 Ear Beard, I didn’t know this could happen, I didn’t believe my eyes, but it is true this man had an ear beard. Now I know what you’re thinking ‘Oh, it’s just an old man with hairy ears.’ NO! It was a middle aged man not with hair in his ears but hairy ears! It is like not having hair coming out of your nose but hair all over your nose. The thought, and the way the light caught behind the hair/ear, it is still disturbing me.

 1930’s Cartoon Villains, a tiny man with a large head and pointed teeth with a tall skinny woman with large black hair. He wore a fedora and a long coat in which it would not surprise me if there was a zoot suit on underneath. They seriously looked like they stepped out of Cool World or a Betty Boop cartoon.


And those are the people in my neighborhood, in later papers I shall go further into the effects of hundreds of years of inbreeding. Stay Tuned.